Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…

Don’t have kids.

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable

Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?