Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

cat faces on other animals, a thread

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.