Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

Well, this certainly took a turn

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.