I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
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WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.