I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
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VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
🤣🤣🤣
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.