I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
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coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
I put the I in Insufferable.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.