Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search

1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?

Canada.

I’m just sayin’

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing

I’m Sold!

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them