I always thought it was strange that Peter Parker works as a photographer…
Shouldn’t he be working in web design?
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So sick of all these stupid rules
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches