Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

Me: Any Costco requests?

Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.

So inspired right now.

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.