I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
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Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
can’t bark with your mouth full
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*