I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
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Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I’ve been drinking.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
😭😭😭
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.