I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
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Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat