I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
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Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Every time my phone rings
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.