Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex

And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double

I only look at Wordle for the articles

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

Delightful if true: booby trap.