I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
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SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.