Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

ME: So you’re into religion. Really??

DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.

ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.