I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
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got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I’m calling the cops.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*