I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
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*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Education is vital
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Finally!
