I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
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[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”