I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
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Crafting will have you running around your neighborhood fighting with the local retrievers over the best sticks. i can growl too you lil mfers, i need them for my pagan stick art
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I think they could have phrased this better
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
nature’s most graceful animal
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore