I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
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*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids