Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

cop: where were u between 7 and 8

me: third grade? idk

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

He wanted to make sure😂

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

A customer told me they were never coming back….

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

“Can I help you?”

“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”

“So, you’re here about the job?”

“Most indubitably.”

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

Dave’s coming over

“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”

[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.