I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
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Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this