Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss

Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving

Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

You’re not my real can

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

yes… yes…

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.

this makes me so uncomfortable

If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.