The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
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I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.