I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
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Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Air conditioning – not a fan
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
We found love in a hopeless place.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table