Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

zone out

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.