Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze

My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

calling in to work dehydrated

Me: My son is pathologically literal.

“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”

Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

Superman’s Google searches:

“Strongest hero”

“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”

“Fastest hero”

“Fastest hero. Not Flash”

“Phone booth for sale”

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”

*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

Eggs benadryl my favourite

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there