I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
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kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
if you relate to me, get some help
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
watching gymnastics
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*