I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
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I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.