I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
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I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
This is hilarious
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Bond. Trauma bond.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
