Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

It’s that simple 👊🏻

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

Her: What do you do for fun?

Me: I write jokes about water vapor

Her: What’s that like?

M: It’s a gas

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”