I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
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Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
forgive me baja for i have blast
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
*puts words between two asterisks*
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle