I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
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[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
just gave your address to some spiders
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you