*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
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I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
who did the taste test?
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭