Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE