Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

my brain: i hate that person

that person: hey that thing you wrote was great

my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

my nickname in college

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

Not today

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

When you put it that way… 😂

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.