Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

If only

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends