Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,