Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

#oldknees

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

This is the coolest video you will see today.

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic

The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”