@jjax44

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

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@truegritrumble

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

@volks__

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

@KenJennings

LIFE HACK tell the hotel you forgot your toothbrush. They don’t even check, they just give you a brand new one!!! It’s so sweet

@GSElevator

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

@envydatropic

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

@Mom_Overboard

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

@reczit

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

@WheelTod

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.

@dumbbeezie

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training