I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
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Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.