HER:He doesn’t trust me.
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
You Might Also Like
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
LIFE HACK tell the hotel you forgot your toothbrush. They don’t even check, they just give you a brand new one!!! It’s so sweet
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Don’t Drake and drive or you’ll end up at your ex’s house.