I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
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If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
sugar glider wrangler
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Only short people can save us
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.