Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

Me trying to reach for my goals

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire

Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP

Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

I’m a self-made hundredaire

Daughter: dada?

Me: no honey it’s not.

Daughter: is time travel possi-

Me: [winks].

Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!

Wife: how did you do that?

Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

is this a threat

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.

Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.

We know he can swim but…

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that