Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

[Crossword]

7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*

why isn’t this lamp working

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*