Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

Just a reminder, folks:

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

Love is in the air fryer.