I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
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I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
forgive me baja for i have blast
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!