I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
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I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.