Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

My beach vacation Google searches

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.