I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
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Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”