Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

I often wonder who Pete is…

and why we do things for his sake…

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.