i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
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my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Meeeee too!
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it