Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?

Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

me: what’s your favorite book

her: I love 1984

me: just pick one

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy