i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
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hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
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I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…