I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
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Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”