Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”

My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

So many people to disappoint, so little time

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.