Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him

7: I’m beating you!

Me: Ok.

7: I’m way ahead!

Me: I see that.

7: I’m gonna win!

Me:….

My son on the carousel horse in front of me.

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

Phonetics

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….

Me: …addicted

15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…

Me: …addicted

15: what smacked you in the face last night?

Me: …go to your room

My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions