Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:

-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

Him: I like to play devils advocate

Me: There are way better games out there

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.