Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

kitchen magnet

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.