I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
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date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.