I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
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If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.