Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.

same but as an audience member

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

Friend: Wanna go for a run?

Me: From what?

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks