Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

subtitles are so good nowadays

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?