Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.