Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.