Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.

I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’

Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on