Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

Scream sneezers need love too.

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.