Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

my New Year’s Eve plans:

– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!

[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…