Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”

*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

This bar smells like my childhood.

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.