Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.

I will never stop laughing at this

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

“Either shave your legs or kiss me”

whenever i wake up before my alarm

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.