Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.