Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

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10. He is a cat.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun

Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life

iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

It’s that simple 👊🏻