Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In space, no one can hear…

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.