Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.

“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:

* Hot buttery death!

* HR will hear about this!

* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!

* Brenda!

* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.

Probably.

If I can just remember where the hell…

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

*immediately after a hysterectomy*

ok weigh me now.

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

Me: It’s going to be a great day!

Life: Yeah, about that…