Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

My joke about a partition wall really split the room

*swipes right on my hand mirror

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

Confused owl: What?!

No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people