I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
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kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Pretty much! 😂👀
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
what the hell girl, sure
How I’d get arrested…
